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Almost Always

For a long time I would imagine that we’re still together and free to be in love and my dreams will offer me the opportunity of telling you the things you cannot know while I am awake. My appreciation for sleep and the temporary visits to you it provides me will soon increase. My sisters will accuse me of sleeping too much. They wouldn’t understand the initial uselessness of my conscious hours without you. At the time they accuse me it would be out of well meaning and misinformed pity. Faith wouldn’t have met her husband Misoma then and neither will Itohan be able to understand what love means at that time. I would probably always love you. I would still be able to draw your smile and search for it on the faces of the nice guys I meet. The sound of your voice would almost always be the soft music playing faintly like the song which is about to end but hasn’t ended in the background of my mind. I would still be able to sing our song, I may even teach it to my son who will most likely not look like you but may behave like you. I would wonder if I unknowingly trained him to be like you.

For a long time, I will shun people who are like you, I will accuse them of trying to steal your place; a place that isn’t still yours to take. I will think of days when happiness was all we knew and cry with timid hope then cry and laugh at my foolishness which will permit me to cry some more. I will cry different tears and occasionally they would stray from their path down my cheeks into my mouth and I would taste the saltiness. I would constantly miss the flavor you brought to my life. Sometimes I wont be able to taste the tears, their stubborn paths may lead them to roll down into my ears. Remember when I told you tears could speak, I was writing a story about timid dreams and Toke my main character after nights of sexual abuse would feel as though her tears were calling out to her. She would feel her tears have a message for her. However, in the story, she would not be able to understand them. She would never be free.

Last week I put some make up on as I continued my journey away from us. I wanted my face to conceal all the emotions I easily wear on my face. I wanted to be less the passionate woman I am, I didn’t want to be in love. I constantly tried to go back to the moments just before I met you and beg for a chance to choose a different fate. The week before that I just wanted to be beautiful naturally. No masks, no hopes, I simply paraded the blemish out there, the dark spots and budding acne for all to see. My big nose no longer mattered. My beautiful eyes could tell the stories I wasn’t ready to share. All my heart did was miss you.

He would meet us when he meets me. I would want to share our silly jokes with him because those are all the jokes I know. I would realize how futile the effort would be but still get mad that he cannot say the things you would have said then I would apologize and hope he’d understand that a part of me will most likely always have your name on it which he shouldn’t try to take away. Some-days he would let me love you, most days, he would be jealous because I would love him but I would sometimes sub-consciously demand that he wears the shoes I bought for you and we would quarrel like you and I used to.

Those times, I’d compare the happiness I felt with you and the type I feel with him and feel ashamed that I still compare knowing how different the circumstances are and how very different the love will be. When he annoys me, I will let you console me. He will let me let you console me. Some-days I will beg, other days he will make peace and we would return back to loving each other. He would understand how unnecessary it is to fight what is alively-dead.

On many occasions I’d forget you. I’d forget how sad you made me feel and the depths of happiness you made me experience..those times I would be so caught up with too many responsibilities and fulfilling dreams I dreamed with you. I may not think of you in days but somewhere down the road when I go with my cousin to visit her former neighbors to invite them for her wedding, I’d hear someone call your name and memories like flashes will flood my head. Somewhere there’d be a street not fully named after you and I’d try to look away while I drive by but I’d steal a glance anyway and merge that nano second with memories that match while I take you out of that moment and give you some of the bear hugs you were famous for.

Someday deja vu would greet me at the parking area of a certain airport while I go to drop of my daughter who is off to college. On some-days a random person will look like you. Sometimes they will be older, sometimes they would be thinner but they would all remind me of you. Some-days I would be angry and strong, other times I would be thankful and strong but regardless of the alternating emotions, I’d be strong because I would believe in the powerful force that binds us.

Few years later, I would be directed to your grave. The hostile breeze will mock me and the bored grasses that sit on the stone where your remains are would welcome me. I would wish I was strong enough to have watched as they put you to rest and I would water bored grasses with tears of bitter sweet emotions and freedom as I think of you and all that could have been. I would wonder if our love was the end of you.

I would demand for freedom to leave you at last and love you forever. Freedom to make memories of you without you with word pads and wild imaginations. Freedom to cross the waters we couldn’t reach.

Sometimes I would feel like an unsung song because I would be with you but without you. There would be beautiful scars that tell your story. I would wound myself trying to uproot you from the sacred grounds of my heart. I would listen for my heart beat and hear yours. Eventually I’d accept how much of you I carry along with me; and just how alive you are through me. Eventually, I’d understand that you want me to be eternally happy and I’d find courage not to fight you so often.. I would understand that you wish to rest in peace and not the quagmire that now defines us. Soon but not so soon, I would love you forever but in a way that is free to be different from the kind that we knew while I accept we can no longer be us.

Before the moon comes out to play one dusty evening, I would be free. I would be like a bird in an open cage who stays for more than a while longer after her freedom arrives. I don’t know how the story would end, maybe one day you would walk back into my life from the great beyond. Each day will bring fresh possibilities and I would stop by often, but I would make progress.

Eventually, I would fly.

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Plus one

Happy birthday to me!!!!!! i am younger and wiser…yes you read that right, i am younger and wiser.

May my days be long and merry, bright and fufilling. May my skies see no dark clouds. may my laughter be laced with genuine gladness of spirit and may my words be coloured with wisdom. May my light be lighted by The everlasting light. May the lines fall for me in amazingly pleasant places. As i journey through the road of life, may the world be blessed because i came; droplets of goodness will i sprinkle upon the many that cross paths with me. May genuine friendship’s be mine to share. Partner me with the head i am suitable for. May love be the melody in my fragile heart. May songs of victory never depart from my lips. As i fetch from the well of pleasant suprises, help my eyes to remain fixed on you. Envelope me with your love wonderful father. convert the baby steps to giant strides. help me to look beyond the myopia Lord. may the oil of joyfullness upon my head never run out. may the aura of grace and favour unlock hidden treasures for me.

Help me to be as ‘me’ as you want me to be.

Happy birthday to me, me, me and me…

ME

Swollen hopes,

Pregnant dreams,

All are deposited inside of me.

Shattered dreams,

Forgotten hopes

Now are excreted out of me.

For I have come,

Not to be less of me,

But to make the most of me,

And as I reach my maximum me,

I desire to make me more me,

And to make those who helped to make me “me”

Proud of me!

Agbanilagbatan

Accept the great exchange. Christ came that i may have life and have it abundantly, he died that i may live eternally. I have been transferred from the kingdom of darkness into the Kingdom of Gods dear son jesus who purchased my freedom and forgave my sins the ones i was guilty of knowingly or unknowingly. let no man trouble me because i bear on me the scars that show i belong to Christ.

God purchased me with the blood of Jesus. He redeemed my soul. moreover, my life is hid with Christ in God.

we have power, God has given us the spirit of power, boldness and sound mind!!!

the devil will always try.. to distort the promises of God over your life and he will try to keep you in bondage through various means but God’s word will always prevail. it is reassuring to know that Gods plan for me are of good and not of evil to bring me a future and a hope. on top of that the Bible tells us that He who started a good work in my life will be faithful to complete it.your salvation was not your idea.. God is a God of plan purpose design and objectivity.. He knows what He is doing.

the Yoruba people call him Agbanilagbatan.. he is an all round shield over us he will not allow any arrow, fiery dart whatsoever to penetrate and harm us. every thing works together for our good because we love him and because we are called according to His purpose..

the battle is the Lords.. our job is to keep keeping faith knowing beyond any shadow of doubt that God is in control.

sometimes things start to feel overwhelming, the questions start to pile up and the doubts and worries start to creep in on you and you wonder if you’re missing something vital and stuff but Col 2:20 says Christ has died and he has set you free from the spiritual powers of this world.the spiritual powers exist but greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world.

father give me the strength to walk in the light of your great exchange. i don’t want to miss out on all you have planned out for me. i trust you, because only you are my shield and the lifter of my head. Help me to walk in this consciousness even when it is hard to do so.

 

 

Do you like children?

yes i do. i like children a lot. especially toddlers. i like the way they believe anything is possible. i like the way they are quick to forgive. i like the way they trust that since daddy said it, it is true. i like their desire to learn. i like the way they smile from the depths of their heart. i like the joy that seems to radiate from a food filled tummy, i like the way they are able to cry about things that bog them and get over it the very next minute.

. i remember a kid who actually believed that his daddy who didn’t own a car yet was going to get him an aeroplane for his birthday. while i shook my head in disbelief, he bubbled with joy and excitement and went on to tell the next person willing to hear the gift he was expecting.

Last month, i spoke to my little cousin and she asked when i would be coming to calabar to see her, i told her maybe December and she said i should come quickly because her daddy was taking her to America in December for Christmas. of course i knew it wasn’t true but i liked the way she had learned already how to believe and hope in something…

Children inspire me. their care free attitude is lesson for another day. so while you’re busy keeping that friend of yours in your sanctuary of unforgiveness, take a cue from the kids around. be quick to love, be quick to forgive. be quick to trust your heavenly father. no wonder the bible says we have to be like babes to see his kingdom.

However, the devil has actually distorted the childhood of some. some have missed the bliss that comes with being a child. you don’t believe me? ask five years old Becky down your street that has been raped since she was three or six years old or johnny who has been from one hospital bed to another battling cancer or is it martha who was born hiv positive?. he has never played football with the other kids. maybe you would also like to ask bimbo that sells orange, yes the orange you buy, maybe she would tell you how often her madam physically abuses her. or maybe Eka-ette would tell you a better story of how she was led into prostitution by the aunty that brought her to Lagos after convincing her poverty stricken parents in the village.

Be vigilant. you can be the that child’s hero. time has away of taking along with it all the innocence of childhood. i am an adult, i should know..(yimu if you want) the “anything is possible” mentality. once in a while though, we should take out time to be inspired by children. it can be very refreshing.

Who are you?

Who are you? this is not one of those “who do you think you are” questions we are quick to blurt out when you’re upset or throwing tantrums. just ponder for a minute and think the question through. No i didn’t ask for your name or who you think you are…most of us suffer from identity crisis. we don’t know who we are, who we were created to be, why we are on earth. i have been wondering about these things too..it all boils down to findind out who we are. how can we find out? only the manufacturer can confidently tell you why he created a particular product, what it can do, it’s purpose and abilities etc. only the manufacturer can tell you in detail what you need to know about the product. that is why mostimes, manufacturers give out mauals along with the product you are purchasing so that you can fully understand it’s use. only the manufacturer can properly school you about it’s purpose. God has a plan for everyone. He had a divine purpose for everyone even before creation. speaking to Jeremiah he said “i knwe you before i formed you in your mothers womb. Before you were born, i set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5). my bishop tells us and it bears repitition that God is a God of plan, purpose, design and objectivity. He explained to Jeremiah how he already knew his name, his temprament, his height, physical appearance, his abilities, his family, his background etc. even before we were born, God set us apart! that is why you can’t afford to be a photocopy of someone else. God set you apart! for a specific purpose. God made us, the buyer of a new samsung duracool refrigerator hardly knows what the device is capable of performing except samsung tells him through his manual or otherwise. the bible is God’s word. our manual. we must therefore continually seek to discover ourselves in the word. we shouldnt be quick to define ourselves by the standards the world presents to us. we are in the world but not of the world remember. we shouldnt let our friends or families dictate who we are. but we should see ourselves through the eyes og our heavenly father and maker. it is in the word that we would discover how he expects us to live, speak, relate with others, the kind of friends he expects us to choose, how we should behave as children, wives, husbands, parents, employees or whatever role it is we play as human beings. As Christians, the bible is and should be our yardstick, our standard, our mirror. as children of God, the bible is our guide!  if you are like me sometimes, if you haven’t read your bible in ages, if you havent studies the word regularly, God understands, but he loves you too much for you to be missin out on all his numerous promises. make a decision to study Gods word. read it, meditate on it and live it. his grace will be sufficient for us all in Jesus name i pray, Amen

wearing clothes…

Branding Africa. Fashion. 50's silhouette with...

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so he said…

the key of this collection(i know he was refering to the clothes he designed when he said “collection” but on a deeper note, i think he meant “the essence of wearing clothes) is being yourself. Don’t be into trends (no do follow follow..and yelzz that jeggins and high waist skirt even that mini gown sef, no be for everybody o..ehen before i forget, no be all guys suppose wear skinny jeans na.  even some wey get chopstick legs sef wan follow wear…haaa!! )don’t make fashion own you, but you decide what you are (lemme change that tho who you are), what you express, by the way you dress and the way you live.” I like to think of this quote as my personal advice from Gianni Versace himself.

so my pastor also said “ice-cream no be monkey food o” he said it was a yoruba proverb. he used the proverb to give us some fashion or was it make up tips during his sermon. he made a funny reference to wearing high-heels (seriously i respect the girls that have mastered the art of wearing high heels. infact twale, i salute una because the way some of us dey dance on high heels ehn..that one na tory for another day). according to him, the key is wearing what you’re comfortable in and not just joining in to do what is in vogue. he said we should take our true image from heaven. (some of us do things that we ourselves are not proud of. dont try to be like everybody, be yourself, dare to be different and be all God wants you to be.)

Col. 3:10 says put on your new nature and be renewed as you learn to know your creator and be more like him. you can read the whole of Colossians chapter 3.

moving on. This month i am going to be reading a lot about fashion though (i say “though” because i do not consider myself a fashion person. i prefer the word style). i will also be doing a bit of style experimenting (hopefully). anyways, i am just hoping to discover more of what works for me…and stick to it.

if you do have any tips. please feel free out of the kindness of your darling heart to send me a mail using “laurenato@yahoo.com”

i hope you caught something.